Belated reflections on Lent

Having made quite a big deal of my 'study' plans for Lent, it doesn't seem right to just leave things hanging, so here's a brief - and really very late - overview of how it was for me. It was a useful time of reflection, but not, perhaps, in the way I might have anticipated.

I've enjoyed the discipline of having a period of time in which intentional reading, studying and reflection was a daily expectation, even though there have been days, and even weekends, when I didn't get round to doing any of those things. I've already reflected a little on 'meditating' on John 13-18:14 in the car on the way to work each day and on some of the new ideas and themes that I became aware of.

One of the themes I wanted to intentionally revisit during Lent was leadership, specifically the challenge of sensing a call to, and gifting for, leadership but not having a recognised role in which to exercise it. I've found James Lawrence's Growing Leaders a really useful tool, and it's been great to reflect on the chosen / call / character / competence / context framework for leadership that's at the heart of Arrow and Growing Leaders leadership training.

But the implications of revisiting leadership didn't really hit me 'til after Easter, when I was thinking about the future and reflecting on my current paid work. I felt really challenged by the fact that I'd become really passive about my leadership, almost hiding behind a lack of defined leadership role as a reason not to exercise leadership. A couple of great conversations with a colleague convinced me that I needed to stop belly-aching about the lack of leadership at work and recognise that actually it was my responsibility to step into the gap and start leading.

So I have. Conversations about organisational drift and lack of vision have been replaced by commitments to change. Action has been taken. Decisions have been made. But the really great thing is that it's been a team effort (and I use the word 'team' advisedly in the light of reflections on Growing Leaders). It's been a real reminder to me of the fact that I have a responsibility to use my gifts, in the same way that others have a responsibility to use theirs - if I abdicate that responsibility then I can't complain if others do the same.

But the theme that's stood out more than any other over the six weeks of Lent is collaboration. I think it's surprised me for a number of reasons but mainly because I realised that I'd confused collaboration with extroversion and had fallen into the trap of thinking that because I'm an introvert I therefore do things most effectively on my own. This, I now realise, is nonsense. Yes, there are times when I need to step away to reflect and assess, but I also really need opportunities to think out loud with others, to share ideas, to be part of something bigger than just me. But making that happen can be a challenge for an introvert, particularly a single introvert. Just saying.

So that links to another theme - courage. I'm not alone in being the kind of person who, when life gets a bit challenging, tends to retreat into the safe and familiar. There are times when that's entirely appropriate, but there are also times when that can be the start of a spiral downwards into unhealthy introspection and, at worst, a touch of depression. The irony, of course, is that the point at which I feel most like retreating is precisely the point at which I need to reach out to other people, to be vulnerable, to ask for the support and help that I need. My experience is that when I do that, I always end up better off. But it takes courage and that's something I lack.

The flip side is that I've also rediscovered the importance of doing stuff by myself when the option is that or not doing it all. In the last couple of months I've been to the cinema by myself three times (which I think is twice more than I've done it in the whole of the rest of my life!). Why not? It was that or missing out on stuff I really wanted to see.

And in the process I've begun to rediscover theatre and cinema as something that genuinely energises me. In fact, my new default thinking place is the café at the Curve Theatre in Leicester. That's largely because it's nice and close to work and therefore a good place to head on my short days and it's generally almost entirely empty. But it's also because it's a creative place. The bit of me that's still the eighteen-year-old who chose her university on the basis that walking round on the interview day felt  like being in Fame likes being in a place where you can overhear slightly pretentious conversations about getting into drama school, or indignation at one-star reviews in the local paper, whilst smiling to herself and maintaining she's above all that. But it's helped me remember that that's where I've come from, that the arts, and performing arts in particular, have played a massive part in shaping who I am.

So it's been an interesting few months. Now I'm trying to figure out what to read, reflect on and work towards for the next few...

PS The beady-eyed of you will notice that there's no mention here of the reflections on Shakespeare and John that were initially the focus of my Lent study. That stuff hasn't disappeared, but its significance has changed and it didn't seem appropriate to focus on it in this post. Maybe another day...

Birmingham, Brick Lane, Brighton

It's six weeks since I last blogged. On the one hand, not a lot has happened in that time; on the other, I've had some interesting conversations, discovered some new organisations and initiatives and even had a meeting at the seaside!

Not a lot has happened in the sense that my circumstances remain as they were six weeks ago - still working five days a fortnight, still living on the generosity of friends and family. But on the back of that last blog post I emailed a whole list of people who I know to be interesting and who have fingers in interesting pies and asked them to tell me about the interesting things that they know about. This was largely in an attempt to put into action point 6 of my options list from last time:

Seeing if there are any community initiatives / churches who are looking to develop projects around baking - a café, community bakery etc - who I could team up with to shape some kind of social enterprise.

The result was as interesting as I'd hoped. I discovered Devenishgirl Bakery, a baking social enterprise in Birmingham; I visited Kahaila, café church in the middle of east London's Brick Lane; I found out more about Florence Road Market, hosted by One Church Brighton in, er, Brighton; I met up with sourdough baker Jessica Edmonds of Leicester Born and Bread who has, rather marvellously, offered to give me some of her sourdough starter free and gratis; I heard about London Reclaimed, a recycled furniture social enterprise in Peckham; I was introduced to Flavour Gateway in Tower Hamlets. I've heard about churches being challenged about social enterprise as a way of responding to changes in the way they're funded and how they serve their communities, about the importance of sharing food together as the people of God. And I've discovered a whole load of new blogs and small businesses doing lovely things in lovely ways with lovely people.

And in amongst those new encounters I got to exchange emails and share coffee with affirming and encouraging people, the value of which really can't be over-estimated. But the reality is that none of this has offered any kind of solution to the very practical challenges of earning a living, which brings me to option 5 from last time:

Starting my own business. I've been doing a lot of baking recently and have realised that I really enjoy it and, it appears, I'm moderately good at it. However, this requires a kitchen which I don't have.

The more I explore this, the more hoops I become aware of. But now's a good time to start thinking about Christmas (wait, come back, let me finish!!) and given that I've already tested the market for fair trade mince pies I'm giving serious thought to finding some kitchen space to rent one day a week in September, October and November, focusing on Christmas cakes and mince pies and seeing what transpires. I've been in touch with a few local churches to find out about renting kitchen space, and on Thursday I'll get my Christmas baking thinking cap on and wait for inspiration to strike.

I'll be honest - I'm at the point at the moment where it doesn't take much for any crumb of enthusiasm I have for, well, quite a lot of things to dissolve into the ether but then I read articles like this, tell myself to get a grip and try really hard to count my blessings, of which there are many. But if you are of a praying disposition I'd appreciate you chucking a couple up for me. When I was on my year out, my insightful but not entirely pastorally sensitive church leaders regularly told me when faced with challenging circumstances that I'd look back and realise what I'd learnt. They were, of course, absolutely right.

To the ends of the earth?

For the last nine months I've been exploring a call to Baptist ministry. To put it another way, having spent a good proportion of the last fifteen years either employed by churches as a youth worker or volunteering in a variety of capacities I was wondering whether actually being responsible for leading a local church was something I might be capable of doing and, more to the point, what God was calling me to.

To cut a moderately tedious story short, it turns out that although lots of lovely people have been very affirming about my ability to exercise leadership and pastoral care, the London Baptist Association have decided that at this stage accredited Baptist ministry isn't for me. Weirdly, I'm not particularly surprised by that decision and for a whole bunch of reasons I'm actually quite relieved that I won't be heading off to college in September. There are loose ends to tie up but for now it's back to the status quo.

Except that for me the status quo doesn't really exist at the moment. As I'm sure I've written about before, the last four years have been a transition but I'm still not sure what I'm transitioning into. The prospect of ordination seemed to tick that box but clearly that's not it. I'm living with a friend rent-free (this has become something of a pattern and has got me thinking about the nature of my 'welfare state', but that's a post for another day) and working five days a fortnight in a (just above) minimum wage job which I enjoy and has some scope for role development (although without extra hours or money). This is clearly not a state of affairs that can continue indefinitely.

So I'm at a point where I'm trying to reflect on the possibilities that might be open to me. They include (with varying degrees of practicality)...

1. Continuing to exploit the hospitality of gracious and generous friends, working five days a fortnight and spending my free time swanning around.
2. Moving back in with my parents without any immediate income.
3. Becoming part of a Christian community for a few months. This would enable me to exercise some of my ministry skills and contribute practically to community life, whilst having my board and pocket money provided.  
4. Getting a proper job. By this I mean full time employment which will enable me to rent my own house. Who knows how realistic a prospect that is in the current economic climate? 
5. Starting my own business. I've been doing a lot of baking recently and have realised that I really enjoy it and, it appears, I'm moderately good at it. However, this requires a kitchen which I don't have.
6. Seeing if there are any community initiatives / churches who are looking to develop projects around baking - a café, community bakery etc - who I could team up with to shape some kind of social enterprise.

There are several reasons why I've decided to share that list. One is simply that it helps me to collect my thoughts. But another is that I'm looking for some feedback on points 5 and 6.

Ten years ago I was almost half way through the Oasis Youth Work and Ministry Course and was beginning to think about what my next step might be. I told God I'd go anywhere and I ended up ten miles down the road (although it was a whole world away in many respects). I'm wondering whether I'm back in that place again. So if you know of great opportunities on the other side of the country, the continent or the world, you should feel free to share them. I'm not saying I'll definitely have the courage to go, but at least I'll know what I'm turning down.

Reflecting on Fairtrade Fortnight

Last year my church got on board with Fairtrade Fortnight for the first time and we ran a café and shop for the whole two-week period. The church - a small Baptist chapel - serves an equally small village in which the only community spaces are the village hall and an Indian restaurant. Here's what I wrote about it for the church magazine last year...

Paper flowers, flapjack, Easter eggs and proper coffee – just a few of the items that were available at the Arnesby fair trade shop and café during Fairtrade Fortnight (27 February – 11 March)!

The fair trade movement has been building for four decades and for two weeks each year individuals, churches, shops and even governments are encouraged to think about how they can consume more ethically. Back in January, aware that Fairtrade Fortnight 2012 was rapidly approaching, a few of us got together and decided to have a go at running a fair trade shop and café from the coffee bar at the front of the chapel. Armed with recipe books and fair trade catalogues, we planned menus and chose products. The Just shop in Leicester city centre agreed to supply the shop on a sale or return basis which meant we were able to stock a wide range of beautifully crafted products from some of the worlds most deprived communities, along with fair trade chocolate, coffee, tea and Easter Eggs! Val and her team of bakers worked hard producing huge quantities of baked goods, using fair trade ingredients wherever they could, and each day the café’s cake table struggled under the weight of carrot cake, triple chocolate muffins, Victoria sponges, gingerbread angels and much, much more!

The shop and café opened Monday-Saturday for the duration of Fairtrade Fortnight, and over the course of twelve days we had around three hundred customers! The coffee bar could comfortably seat ten people but there were several occasions when there was standing room only, and on warmer days parents and children took the opportunity to sit outside, enjoying the use of the Huttons’ ride-on toys and, in particular, Annie’s cottage! The project couldn’t have run without the enthusiasm and energy of our team of volunteer waitresses which included Lisa, Julia, Carol, Jenny, Ian and the entire Hutton family!

It was clear by the end of the fortnight that running a ‘pop-up’ (a short-term shop) had given us a real insight into the scope of the role the chapel could have in helping to nurture a deeper sense of community within the village. Many of the customers were Arnesby residents who, as well as noting both the quality of the food and drink on offer and the cheapness of the prices, commented on how much they would appreciate a permanent community café and wondered out loud whether the church might be able to provide something year-round. Older villagers talked about their memories of Arnesby as a thriving centre of life and work, and even those more recently arrived in the village mentioned the impact losing the post office had had on chance meetings with friends and neighbours.

Thank you to everyone at ABC who supported the café and shop during Fairtrade Fortnight, whether you baked, helped with waitressing, brought your friends and family for a hot chocolate extravaganza and a piece of cake, or simply prayed! It was a brilliant opportunity to try something a bit different and bless our community in the process.

This year we're aiming to go bigger and better - if you're in or around Leicestershire during Fairtrade Fortnight come and see for yourself!