It's been a bit like an extended meditation - not the weird New Age kind but the focusing on a bit of scripture and pondering on it. Sometimes I really listen, sometimes I just allow it to 'happen' in the background as I think about other things. I'm aware that I now associate the different phases of my drive to work with different parts of the story - it'll be interesting whether those bits come back to me after Easter when I'm not listening to the story anymore.
But it's been fascinating to see how different part of the story have struck me, raised questions, prompted me to read other things or go back to the (written) Bible. One thing that's really stuck with me has been the exchange between Jesus and Judas in John 13:21-30. To all intents and purposes, in the moment of this passage, Judas is just a bit player - he doesn't speak, and in verse 30 he leaves and the whole of the rest of the discourse happens in his absence. And yet he is absolutely pivotal to the action of the remaining chapters of John.
There are two things that have really caught my attention. The first is that when Jesus announces that someone is going to betray him, 'his disciples stared at one another, at a loss to know which of them he meant.' (13:22) That suggests there had been nothing in Judas' demeanour, behaviour or speech which gave any indication that he was about to pull the rug out from under the whole endeavour. It's worth remembering, of course, that the disciples have a reputation for regularly failing to grasp the significance of what was going on around them, and often what was going on right in front of them. Clearly Jesus had picked up on something so there must have been some indication that all was not well, which makes it all the more astonishing that Judas was included in the foot-washing and the meal; Jesus is still actively including Judas, extending a hand of friendship to someone who has every intention of sticking the boot in in a big way.
We talk a lot about Judas betraying Jesus, but this account reminds us that Judas is actually betraying the other disciples too - he's been as much a part of their lives as he has been part of Jesus', and at the beginning of the meal he's still very much part of the group, to the extent that some commentaries suggest that Judas was actually sat in the place of honour next to Jesus when this whole sorry saga starts to unfold.
But the other thing that's struck me is that when Jesus hands Judas the piece of bread, Judas doesn't say anything, he simply takes the bread and leaves. He doesn't try to defend himself, or rally support from the others, or even try to deny his intentions. Does he hope Jesus has misunderstood him? Has he got himself so far down a one-way street that he thinks he no longer has any other option? Or does he just not care anymore?
One commentary really helpfully reminded me that Judas was chosen and called by Jesus in exactly the same way he chose and called his other eleven disciples. It can be easy to leap on verses like John 17:12 - 'None has been lost except the one doomed to destruction so that Scripture would be fulfilled.' - to explain away Jesus' call to Judas, but the reality is that we'll never know (this side of eternity) what Jesus saw in Judas, in the same way we'll never see what he saw in the other eleven, but saw something in him he did.
I've found these reflections on Judas pretty challenging. Here's someone called by Jesus who, over a period of time, has managed to cultivate and maintain a role and relationships within an incredibly close-knit group of people whilst at the same time planning to undermine the vision and mission of the man at its heart, whilst managing to largely keep those plans and intentions unnoticed by anyone else. The challenge for me is to reflect on my own attitude and behaviour towards those I work, 'minister' and live with; are there times when the image I project doesn't square with what's really going on inside? are there times when I give the impression that I'm on board with a vision or idea but consciously (or subconsciously) work to undermine it? do I act - privately or publicly - in ways which would cause others to question my call from Jesus?
Let's be frank - we all have the capacity to be a Judas, to such an extent that the name has long been part of the vocabulary we use to describe those who betray or let others down. I'm just not sure I've thought before about how subtle and insidious betrayal can be.
